Here's what to do when...

1. You run your cell phone through the wash...

Don't try to turn it on. Google "cell phone washing machine". Laugh at the miriad (of) ways that people solve this problem. Take out the battery, and place it in a bowl of rice for several days. Don't freak out when it won't turn on - the battery is probably dead - charge it back up and hope for the best. Keep putting it back in the rice if buttons won't work and your screen looks funny. You might just get all of the functions back. Eventually. Be thankful that this is the SECOND time that you have run your cell phone through the wash, because now you already know what to do.

2. You run half of a crayon through the dryer...

Google "crayon in the dryer" and read the tales of many other moms and their horror stories about their brand new clothes and the dollar value of each of the ruined items and laugh because you have never bought any clothes with a price tag that high anyway, so you really don't feel too bad about your situation. You'll get about a billion recipes for re-washing your load and settle on one. I used the Oxy-Clean/ vinegar/ borax tri-fecta (about 1 cup each) along with regular detergent. This sounds like it could start a small scale nuclear reaction in your washer, but believe me, it totally worked, and I only had to spot clean 1 thing and chose to throw out of pair of Andy's socks that weren't worth the effort of cleaning due to their condition.

3. You discover the other half of the crayon was used to color all over your laptop...

Vow to never leave a single crayon accessible to your unsupervised toddler again. Use a dried up (unused, obviously) baby wipe to rub the crayon off of most of the laptop. It may leave some marks behind, but now, every time you use your laptop, you'll remember to NEVER LEAVE ANY CRAYONS OUT!!!

4. You discover ball point pen drawings on your micro-suede chair...

Vow to never leave a ball point pen accessible to your unsupervised toddler. Google "micro suede and ball point pen" and then choose something to try. I tried some hand sanitizer first. It got some of it off, then used straight rubbing alcohol which got the rest. I'd recommend starting with the strong stuff first. Maybe vodka. Ha-ha.

5. Your 4 month old has (audibly) filled his pants on your birthday...

Try to play the "it's my birthday card" and wait until your husband comes home from work. Continue holding out as long as you can. Finally break down and decide to change him yourself. Regret this decision the second you pick him up and discover poop all over your hand. Really regret this decision when you realize that this is the worst blowout you have ever seen in your 2 3/4 years of parenting. Start laughing so you don't cry. Laugh even harder when your husband walks in in the middle of this fiasco, and offers his assistance. Tell him to "hold the baby up by the armpits - you should be safe - and I'll wipe him down with a whole pack of baby wipes". Laugh even harder when your husband sticks his thumb in poop that was in the armpit safe zone. Vow to wait until my husband comes next time I hear my baby fill his pants on my birthday.